Confession: I can't wear yoga pants to Wal-Mart.
It's silly, and it's because I have this thing about being perceived a certain way. There's so much I do or don't do that all boils down to perception. I want you to think I'm cool, hip, fearless, brave, stylish, creative, hipster, artistic, bold, blah, blah, blah. I think this started because for the longest time, I let other people control how I presented myself to the world.
So right now I am the girl who doesn't wear yoga pants to Wal-Mart and listens to music you've never heard of and chooses old-man sweaters over hoodies.
I truly do love all of those things. I'm not doing them because someone has told me to. Finding Superman sheets at Goodwill is my jam and I adore flannel shirts.
But I'm doing these things and wearing a lot of them like they're my identity. Because that's how I want you to see me. I don't want you to know that most days I feel the same way I did when I was 15 years old.
Unsteady. Scared. Like a misfit. An outcast.
This will come as a surprise, but I'm the kind of a person who likes to have all of her ducks in a nice little row. You wouldn't be able to tell that by looking at my life because I am a hot mess the majority of the time.
But it doesn't mean that the desire isn't there. And that's the great curse of living in this skin because I have grand ideas and great things I want to do but I tend to wait until everything is perfect. Until all is lined up and ready and built so it will not, can not, fail. But surprise, surprise, that never happens.
So this waiting season stretches on. Naturally. This gypsy soul with a perfectionist streak, who can't stop building unattainable goals.
I've felt this tug to share my heart, to do something with this space I started to carve out of the internet. But I've been afraid. Just like I can't wear yoga pants to Wal-Mart, I struggle with posting regularly. Because I feel like I have to be "on" all the time. I feel like every single post has to be perfect and poignant and earth-shattering. I want to be perceived a certain way. As a brilliant writer or an excellent photographer or a wonderful giver-of-advice or an expert on something, anything.
Honestly, I don't feel like any of those things. I'm not a published author. I'm not the best photographer out there. I'm not the smartest business woman. I'm not a bible scholar or a counselor or veteran in The Art of Doing the Brave Thing.
I'm just a girl. Full of hopes. Craving meaning. Bursting with vision. Fighting that perfectionist inside of her. Struggling against her dark side. Trying to find and make time for the things that matter. Trying to just DO and love.
And I want to rebel against perfectionism. I want to live in this space where there are no labels and we can just be in throes of life. We can live in the mess. We can be a little lost, searching for the big thing or the next thing or maybe just a heart to sit with ours and be real.
Because the thing is, I don't think we ever arrive. We never get to the place of our fullest potential, never stop growing bigger, wiser, stronger. Never get to the place where we are truly ready for the next thing. I think we're always a little unsteady, stepping forward into an unknown, a little too acquainted with our 15-year-old self. We just jump in good faith and will our feet to find the right ground.
But I want to be in that free fall with you. Arms wide open to the sky, to whatever may come. Loving the ride, content to be in that no-man's-land. Neither up nor down. Neither here nor there.
Just in these spaces that don't always make sense.
Being in those spaces can make us feel like we have nothing of worth to give. But I'm learning that is the opposite of true.
So I want to share what's inspiring me along the way. I want tell you the stories that my soul creates out of every day moments. I want to bleed the struggle onto your screen so that you know that you don't need permission to feel and hurt and wonder. I want to tell of you about awesome people and finds and treasures that can lighten your load, in hopes that you, too, will share your souvenirs from the journey. I want us to challenge each other to live and create and hustle and adventure.
That's all there is, love. It's you and me. In this together. Warriors in this battle. And on days when nothing makes sense and you're tired of sad stories or plastic personas or the race to perfection, I hope you can come here and know that you're not the only sad story. And that it's not the only story there is. And I hope that we spurn one another on in this crazy, messy, blissful life.
I can't promise fireworks and timeliness and ducks in row, as much as I'd like to. There's no satisfaction guaranteed here. Just me. Being honest. And a space for you if you want it. There's room for you at the table and you can totally sit here.
yours for the long-haul,
P.S. What's your journey looking like right now? Are you in the in-between spaces? Leave me a comment, I'd love to hear your story.