Confession: I’m wearing a dress because I don’t have any clean pants and I'm rocking dirty hair because I’m bad at time management. (As in, sometimes a shower just doesn’t fit into my day.)
And I feel a little bit like I'm caught in a rainstorm, without an umbrella, hands surrendered to the sky, not even putting up a fight.
I’ve always been a little driven, like I feel pressure to get just get. stuff. done. Owning your business makes it really easy to get lost in work because your hours are less defined and the work never ends. But busy got a new face the past few weeks. I’ve been working part time for my parent’s manufacturing company because they've needed some extra help. (A steady paycheck, what is that?)
But lately, they’ve become even more short-handed. And this huge, messy, complicated, stressful job that I’ve always said I hated has fallen into my lap. I had to do it a few weeks ago for only an afternoon and I walked away all like, “Never again, no way. That’s insane.”
Guess who’s doing that job now? This girl.
And yes, it’s stressful. Yes, it’s pretty much insane. Because not only am I doing the stuff I used to do part-time, I’m sharing a large part of the responsibilities of this other job. I’m not kidding when I say I literally flit between two cubicles all day long because I need both of the spaces and because the jobs are completely different. This... all day long, remembering I needed to pee 3 hours ago, wondering why my throat is scratchy and realizing I haven’t been drinking all day... kind of busy.
And so I’m running, running, running. Eight hours (at least) at a “part-time” job and then I come home to tend to my photography business. And I’m trying to workout regularly and have devotional time and find a moment to just write a nice card to a friend and eat healthy and write a blog and read because that’s what writers do and spend time with people.
And gosh, I’m slightly going crazy but I’m slightly at peace with this.
Is that nuts to say?
Listen, sometimes it just rains. And it feels like it could be the end of the world, like how on earth could one more crazy thing happen? Isn't this downpour a little more than enough?
And the storm is annoying and inconvenient and uncomfortable when all we want to do is to get to the car and drive far away, in one, dry piece, to a place that's warm and safe and cozy. So we stay inside of a little glass box and wait for the sky to clear so we can sprint from here to there.
And all I hear is God saying, You avoid things that not only do I want you to lean into but that I actually created for good...
...You know that thing you thought you hated so much? Well, I’m going to place it right into your hands. And I’m going to give you the grace to DO IT. And you may feel completely overwhelmed or incapable or uncomfortable but all of that is going to fade away when you just keep Me right in front of you. This has a purpose. It does, my love. I promise. And you’re probably not going to understand what it is. But you’ll know. I'm working something out in you. I'm raining grace down on you. Stay faithful to me. On the days you want to scratch your eyes out because they are so tired, remember that I am your strength. On the days you want to give in to your anxious mind, remember that I am your peace.
I’m not saying this little rain-dance I’ve found myself in is easy. Gosh, no. Going to sleep in the 1, 2, 3 o’clock hours, leaving my part-time gig at 6 in the evening, going straight to meetings and editing and more computer staring, fighting to get out of bed in the morning, struggling to stay on top of business and friendships and laundry... that's not always easy.
But I'm saying there's purpose in this. This isn't a forever thing. I don't know what this is. I can see just far enough ahead to take the next step. But when I step out, unsure of how I’m going to get from here to there, His grace appears and carries me to the other side. I can feel it surrounding me.
And there's something incredibly settling about that.
That grace may be for the rest of this week or for this month or for longer. But I think we just follow wherever His grace is leading us. Because He’s doing something. In you. In me. I think we just stop avoiding the hard things, the scary things. I think we walk towards those things, especially when those things doesn't always make sense, because He's growing our faith and our trust and our obedience.
Maybe that's the point of storms.
Maybe those thunderclaps are meant to shake you from your slumber. And those flashes of lightning are meant to light your way when you can't see. And all that violent rain is meant to cleanse away the dirt from your soul.
So kick off those shoes, honey child. Let your feet sink into deep puddles of His goodness and His grace. Dare to get "dirty" for the sake of being clean, being free. Being all the things He's making you into.
And when you stop fighting against it for long enough to look it in the face, you'll realize that sure, maybe you weren't made to do this, but you were meant to do this, for a season. And His grace is falling by the bucketful.