It’s been hard lately, finding balance. I’ve been singing that song for a while now, and like a song that won’t leave my head, I’m stuck in that rhythm. This is nothing new for me, really. I think I’ve had waves of this my whole life. Eyes bigger than my stomach, so to speak. I want to do it all. I think I can do it all. I try to do it all. And I end up overfull. Or crying on couches. And hammocks. And beds.
The pressure is so gripping that everything feels urgent.
There are times I can’t even enjoy time with the people I love because my to-do list is in the back of my head, taunting me because nothing is getting crossed off.
I left work today thinking of that mega to-do list I made before bed last night, the kind that never seems to get done because it just keeps growing. Mostly, I needed to write. And I wanted so badly to sit down as soon as I got home and knock it out.
But something in me said, “Stop. Put down your phone. Don’t touch your schedule. Step outside. Live. Breathe. Meet with Me.”
Sometimes I can’t write sitting down. Call me crazy. But it to me, it feels an awful lot like waiting for the words to come, for the inspiration to be poured out when I sit down in that one spot.But the words seem to come to a lot more freely when I’m in motion.
And sometimes the same goes for God. If I sit too long in that chair and try to talk with Him, I get antsy and my mind wanders.
I like to go on walks with Him instead.
So I traded my phone for some boots and I stepped outside. I trekked all over the yard and I talked with Him. I apologized for some icky behavior and got real about the most important things I want my life to be about. I was praying things I had never thought to pray before and pleading with Him to make a way where I couldn't see one. And it was then that the clouds shifted and the sun spilled its hazy golden light on everything I could see.
And I ran to the house for my camera.
I chased the light everywhere. I followed it and waited for it to burst through clouds. I squealed out loud when it touched the earth and made everything glow.
When I was an hour into my little adventure, I realized that my fingers were stiff from the cold and my ears were freezing because of the wind. And I didn’t even care.
Because my heart was back in it's Space
And I just wonder if this is what it means to chase God’s heart, to follow it and see it in everything and to watch it light up the darkest places. When the light is so overwhelming that you don’t feel the cold. When it enchants you so much that you forget about all the things you should be doing. When all that matters is soaking up as much as you can and responding the only why you know how.
I’d been spending my days behind a computer and still, I was wondering why I couldn’t find the words to write. I’d try but nothing coherent came. I even prayed on my walk that God would reveal the opportunities I should be pursuing and that He would help me steward the gifts He’s given me.
And that prayer walk turned into worship. Because He showed up. He allowed me to respond to His beauty by absorbing it and capturing it. He reminded me of the all of my passions and gifts come from Him. He reminded me that inspiration can’t come if all I do is do.
True inspiration comes from Him, and it comes from LIVING, not just doing.
And that’s all I really want to say. I wish I had wise words on balance and time management and how to keep the anxiety levels to a minimum.
But these are the things I have to remind myself. All the time.
Don’t get so busy with life that you forget the things that make your heart burst into song, the things that literally steal your breath and make you forget everything else. Life feels heavy. There’s much to do and never enough time. And the only way to reset the cycle is to jump off the hamster wheel and go play.
Because when you’re operating in your passions, you meet God there.
A playful dance with God. He shows off and you chase after Him. He pours light all over you and you love Him with the gifts He's planted in you.