All I Want is to Have My Peace of Mind.
There are days when I feel restless, suffocated. Today was one such day, when I thought I would explode if I sat in my desk chair one moment longer. That's when I have to turn off my computer and just go somewhere, anywhere. I made a quick playlist then packed into my car, just me and my camera, windows down, and let the country roads carry me.
As I made frequent stops to snap whatever caught my eye, I scribbled this onto the first piece of scrap paper I could find:
Sometimes you have to get out, run wild and free, let the fresh air fill your lungs, the sunshine fill your soul, and rediscover why it is you love what you love... and let your passions save you.
I've been in a bit of a funk the past several months and I can't quite figure out all of the reasons why. I do know this: I'm a little overwhelmed trying to figure out what to do after all of those years of school, especially since I see the way adults are supposed to be, the steps they are supposed to be taking, the decisions they are supposed to be making. I don't identify with the formula that says I am supposed to have a prestigious 9 to 5 job, have an outstanding resume, gain tons of work experience, get promoted, eat dinner at 6 every night, clean on Saturdays, have a 20-year plan, settle down and get married and start having kids...
I don't want to sit in an office for hours at a time, during the most beautiful times of the day. I want to do dishes or the laundry when I think it's necessary. I want to make art or read a book or just enjoy free time on Saturday. Some days, I want to eat dinner at 9 because I'm too busy doing other, more interesting things. Sometimes, inspiration comes late at night and I want to work while every one else is sleeping. I don't want a real job. I want to make beautiful things. I don't want to feel tied down to some plan. I want life to be unpredictable. I want to be free and be led by my heart instead of what people say is appropriate for a 22 year old.
Does all of that make me immature, irresponsible, and still a child? Probably. Would people call me unrealistic, that I have a romanticized view of life? Definitely. Does that mean I need to grow up? Most likely. But I would rather be considered all of that than stifle the gypsy heart beating wildly in my chest, screaming to be set free, to float wherever she wishes.
I used to think something was wrong with me for not quite fitting into the adult mould. But I'm okay with it now. I am who I am and I have to stop trying to change that. I realize my dreams will change and evolve as I get older, and that I still have to be smart, make money, and support myself. But that doesn't mean I have to give up who I am and my deepest desires.
So here are some of the photos I shot on my drive. And you know what? It doesn't matter if they are good or not. These are for me, because the weight of my camera in my hands, the sound of the shutter shuffling, and the journey they take me on is what makes my heart happy. The photos are just a plus.
My playlist looked a little something like this:
- Get Out of This Town--Carrie Underwood
- Peace of Mind--Boston
- September--Colton Dixon
- Rebellion--Arcade Fire
- You've Got the Love--Florence + The Machine
- So Much Love--The Rocket Summer
- Change--Taylor Swift
- Sooner or Later--Mat Kearney
- Catch Me--Demi Lovato
- Baby One More Time--Tony Lucca (The Voice)
- Something to Believe In--Parachute
- Still Rainin'--Phillip Phillips (American Idol)
- It's My Life--Jamar Rogers (The Voice)
"I understand about indecision, but I don't care if I get behind. People living in competition, all I want is to have my peace of mind."